Have a Good Cry!

OK, we’re running a Son-Rise program, right?  So aren’t we always “supposed” to be happy, excited, and ready to reach for our dreams?  No, not really.  It’s always what I strive for, that feeling called happiness, and I do know I make it myself.   That having been said,  I continue to learn that sometimes,  a good cry is just what I want for myself,  and it helps clear the air, and sets me back on my feet.

     Now, don’t get me wrong, if you can do this parent of a kid with autism thing and remain happy every minute of everyday, you go for it!  More power to ya!  I mean that, and I do believe it is possible.

       But for the rest of us, I’d like to plant an idea in your head:  what if we all just felt our feelings? Stop avoiding them, stop running from them? Personally, I fight them.   I think I HAVE to be strong, happy, brave, and have my act together , in order to be the best I can be for Emma..( how's that for a belief?) Guess what?  I don’t have to do anything, and I definitely get frustrated, lonely, discouraged, and sad. Oh, I forgot angry… That’s a good one. I get angry sometimes too. Ok, a lot of times.

    So I have been fighting these feelings a lot lately, and yesterday, I just gave in, and I cried: Hard, all day. Like my heart was breaking forever. And maybe, for an instant (but  not forever) it was.

      My life is not what I dreamed it would be. I have a child that is challenged by multiple medical and development issues. My marriage,  though strong,  is stressed: by years of back breaking work, unimaginable financial challenges, lack of  time together, lack of support and understanding, a medical system that can’t ( or doesn’t want)  to deal with what is happening to Emma. Witnessing the pain Emma is often in.  Nope, can’t say this is what I had in mind when I daydreamed about marriage and family!

        So yesterday was the perfect day to deal with some of the feelings I have been running from. To mourn what I don’t have, to be angry and sad and frustrated.  To flip a fair number of people “The bird”, if only in my mind.  And so I did. Copious tears, loud wails at times, a lot of anger.  I can’t say it had a pretty ending last night.. I was still exhausted and angry and sad when I went to sleep. But I put it out there, I FELT it all.

         When I woke up this morning, well, nothing appeared to have changed.  My husband didn’t change, my child didn’t change, our financial situation didn’t change, and there was no great outpouring of support from the peanut gallery.

      But I had changed. Since I had let go of all those feelings, ( it takes a lot of energy to hold all that in) I could again see why I am choosing to do what I do.How unimaginably gratetful I am to have what I have.  I went into the playroom this morning for the first time in weeks… and had a blast.  I thought up fundraising ideas, and I took care of household chores.  I feel the HOPE again. I feel really, truly happy. I am sure I’ll have another day when I let loose again, and honestly, I hope you do too.  It may not look like it did for me, but I hope you’ll give yourself permission to let it out.  To feel what you feel.  Because I find that’s how I can get back on track: Back to my dreams, Back to Emma’s Dreams, Back to HOPE.